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Every Book Read And Referenced Throughout 'Orange Is The New Black'

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oitnb books

Anyone who watches "Orange Is The New Black" knows how important books are to the inmates. After all, the show is based on the published memoir of Piper Kerman during her time at a federal prison in Connecticut.

In 2013, Kerman told the LA Times that books were lifelines while she was locked up, explaining that they were a means of escape.

So it's no surprise we see the inmates reading in their bunks or hanging out in the library — or even more often, making smart references to their well-read pasts. And it's the choice of books that might surprise you. From children's books to romance novels and of course the classics, the inmates at Litchfield seem to have read it all and in abundance.

So if you're looking for a book or two to read this summer, why not borrow from the Litchfield library? Below we've listed all the books read and referenced on all three seasons of OITNB for your reading pleasure (and don't worry, we kept it pretty well spoiler free). And if you still want more, check out the Books of Orange is the New Black tumblr account, which lists every book seen on screen throughout seasons one and two and BookRiot, which lists every book seen in season three.

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John Oliver Slams Online Harassment Of Women

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The nerve they have, expressing themselves!

That about sums up the attitude many Internet users take to women who make the "mistake" of having thoughts and then "vocalizing [them] online," said Last Week Tonight host John Oliver.

In his latest monologue posted to YouTube, the satirist takes on the culture of harassment and abuse women face on the Internet, and the lack of recourse they have to protect themselves.

Among other things, he took on the subject of revenge porn, and the fact that there is no federal law restricting it. Indeed, only 23 states have passed laws specifically banning the activity, he pointed out.

Canada, meanwhile, has passed a law against cyberbullying, which came into effect earlier this year.

It amended the Criminal Code to make it illegal to pass around "intimate images" of an individual without their permission. The bill, however, also has its critics.

Oliver's monologue also came as Reddit has cracked down on hate speech by banning forums such as r/fatpeoplehate.

But clearly, there's more work to be done to make the Internet a safer place for women.

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The 1995 NHL Awards Were Worse Than A Puck To The Face

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The NHL Awards are happening tonight in Las Vegas.

We can only hope the introduction is better than the one from 1995, which was posted to YouTube by blogger Spike Coffman on Tuesday.

This dance routine looks like it's straight out of "In Living Color." Only worse.

The awards show starts at 6 p.m. ET on the NHL Network.

You know, if you feel so inclined.

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'Hockey Wives' Season 2 To Feature Keshia Chante, Rhianna Weaver

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Canadian singer Keshia Chanté is set to join the cast of "Hockey Wives," the reality show that acquaints audiences to the "captains off the ice."

Chanté, the girlfriend of goaltender Ray Emery, is joining alongside Rhianna Weaver, a philanthropist and wife of Canadiens defender Mike Weaver, as the W Network's show returns for a second season in the fall, said a Wednesday news release.

Returning cast members include Noureen DeWulf, an actress and wife of Vancouver Canucks goaltender Ryan Miller; Maripier Morin, a Quebec TV personality and fiancee of Habs forward Brandon Prust; and Martine Forget, a lingerie model and fiancee to Toronto Maple Leafs goaltender Jonathan Bernier.

Forget found herself at the centre of a controversy after posting a photo of her son Tyler wearing a T-shirt that did not display a Maple Leafs logo last week.

My #babyboy is #10months #Tyler #babybernier #son #mommyslittleman

A photo posted by @martineforget on





Asked why there wasn't a Leafs logo, she said, "It's for a reason but I can't tell anyone now."

The post led to speculation about Bernier's status with the team. Toronto Sun sports writer Steve Simmons has said the Leafs are not shopping him.

"Hockey Wives" exposes audiences to the difficulties spouses and girlfriends face in and out of the sport.

They have to strike a careful balance between factors such as family and their personal aspirations, as their significant others face trades, injuries and long periods away from their loved ones.

More "Hockey Wives" cast members will be announced in the coming months, Corus said.

Here's the cast of "Hockey Wives" season 1:


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Netflix Canada: What's Good In July?

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Summer has officially arrived, and this one is set to be "warmer than normal."

You'll no doubt need to cool off between tanning sessions on the beach. For that, there's air conditioning ... and a new crop of Netflix titles to watch while you take a break from the heat.

Sadly, the streaming service is losing some awesome titles including "Se7en" and "Blood Diamond" (and lesser fare like "Little Nicky" and "Grown Ups."

But it's also gaining some great-looking features like "Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp." Starring Paul Rudd, Amy Poehler and Bradley Cooper, it's an eight-episode series prequel to the acclaimed cult comedy that came out in 2001.

And that's just one of a number of fresh movies, TV shows, documentaries and kids' entertainment you can indulge in this month.

Below, we've compiled a list of titles that would be great for cool summer evenings when you're applying aloe vera and shaking the sand out of your shorts.

Here are the titles coming to Netflix in July:


Movies

"The Hunger Games" (July 1) and "The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part I" (July 24)

The oppressive state of Panem holds an annual tournament in which people from each of its districts fight to the death in a competition known as the "Hunger Games." Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence) becomes a hero to the impoverished District 12 when she volunteers as tribute. The second film, "The Hunger Games: Catching Fire," is already available on Netflix Canada.

"Iron Man" (July 1)

Egomaniacal Tony Stark (Robert Downey, Jr.) becomes a superhero when he fashions a suit of mass weaponry while being taken prisoner in Afghanistan. He soon finds himself using the suit to fight evil around the world — and feeds a dangerous demand for the hardware.

"The Goonies" (July 1)

This 1980's classic tells of a group of boys who set out to find a pirate's treasure, just as two of them (Sean Astin and Josh Brolin) face the prospect of losing their home.

TV Shows

"Hell on Wheels: Season 4" (July 4)

This AMC series tells the story of Cullen Bohannon (Anson Mount), a former slaveholder and soldier, and his pursuit of the people who killed his wife. His story is set against the backdrop of the construction of the transcontinential railroad.

Kids and Family

"The Book of Life" (July 1)

Guillermo del Toro produced this animated film about Manolo (Diego Luna), a young man from the town of San Angel in Mexico. He vies for the affections of childhood friend Maria (Zoë Saldana) alongside his other friend Joaquin (Channing Tatum). Meanwhile, deities make bets on the victor.

"Penguins of Madagascar" (July 15)

The penguins from "Madagascar" join an organization known as the North Wind to save the world from the evil Dr. Octavius Brine (John Malkovich). Kids will no doubt love seeing the Antarctic animals in action. Parents can listen closely for Benedict Cumberbatch's voice.

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Caitlyn Jenner Attends New York Pride Event, Films Scenes For Reality Show: Report

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Caitlyn Jenner certainly knows how to own the room!

The 65-year-old former Olympian attended a Pride event in New York City on Sunday, and reportedly arrived to a chorus of cheers. Jenner's cheshire grin and bold entrance was captured by revelers on Instagram, and she also got in on the fun by dancing with the lively crowd at the PH-D Rooftop Lounge in the Dream Downtown Hotel.

According to Variety reporter Ramin Setoodeh, Jenner was followed in by a camera crew, presumably to film scenes for her upcoming E! docuseries, "I Am Cait." The "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" alum wore a white peplum dress for the occasion, and US Weekly writes the song "I Am Woman" was played in her honour during the party.

This surprise appearance also follows an invitation Jenner received from Tel Aviv Pride earlier this month. The reality star was asked to be the Israeli LGBTQ community's guest of honour, and while she did not attend, it definitely did not stop her from enjoying herself at a similar event New York.

"I Am Cait" will premiere on E! on July 26.

Hello #Caitlyn #CaitlynJenner #PRIDE #NYC #NewYork #Manhattan #Progress

A video posted by Dane Steele Green (@steeletravel) on










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18 'Jeopardy!' Questions About Canada That Stumped Americans

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One of the best ways to test how Canadian you are, is to see if you can answer questions that Americans can't.

For this, there's the "Jeopardy!" archive, with questions about Canada that have stumped contestants for decades.

Players from south of the border have been unable to identify Canada's current prime minister. They also guessed incorrectly when asked to name a city where swans swim upon the Avon river (think Shakespeare). For other questions, it took multiple guesses before a contestant hit on the right answer.

Here are 18 "Jeopardy!" questions about Canada that Americans answered incorrectly. Can Canadians get them right?

jeopardy canada question


A: What is the Lake of the Woods?





jeopardy question


A: What is Alaska?





jeopardy question


A: What are any two of Ontario, Quebec, New Brunswick and Nova Scotia?





jeopardy question


A: Who is Stephen Harper?





jeopardy question


A: What are the Montreal Canadiens?





jeopardy question


A: What is Toronto?





jeopardy question


A: What is Montreal?





jeopardy question


A: What is Canada?





jeopardy question


A: What is a hockey game?





jeopardy question


A: What is the Yukon River?





jeopardy question


A: What is the Trans-Canada Highway?





jeopardy question


A: What is the Great Bear Lake?





jeopardy question


A: What is English?





jeopardy question


A: What is Quebec?





jeopardy question


A: What is the Gulf of St. Lawrence?





jeopardy question


A: What is Baffin Bay?





jeopardy question


A: What is KORN? (The character's name was Charlie Farquharson)





jeopardy question


A: Remembrance Day.






CORRECTION: An earlier version of this story misread an answer involving a quote by James Polk. The slide has been removed.

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25 Netflix Titles To Watch For Canada Day

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There are so many ways for Canadians to celebrate their country on July 1.

They could go hiking; they could swim in a lake; they could chow down on maple syrup-drenched pancakes at a community breakfast.

Or they could turn to the small screen to appreciate the wonderful entertainment that Canada has to offer.

Netflix has a lengthy series of great titles that were either produced by Canadians, or that borrowed our surroundings in the service of Hollywood blockbusters. And both make us proud to live here.

Here are 25 Netflix titles to watch for Canada Day (story continues below slideshow):


And not to play favourites (it wouldn't be very Canadian of us), but here are a few we recommend highly:

Titles About Canada:

"Trailer Park Boys"

Laugh along as Ricky and Julian (Robb Wells and John Paul Tremblay) struggle to make a quick buck selling dope in Nova Scotia's Sunnyvale Trailer Park. They just can't stop running afoul of Randy (Patrick Roach) and Mr. Lahey (John Dunsworth).

"Heartland"

This CBC series follows the travails of a family running a horse ranch in Alberta's Rocky Mountains.

Titles That Were Filmed Here:

"Brokeback Mountain"

Alberta's wild country serves as a gorgeous filming location for this love story about two cowboys (Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal) who herd sheep in the mountains of Wyoming.

"The X-Files"

"Spot the Vancouver landmark" is a game you can play while watching "The X-Files," a spooky sci-fi series that ran from 1993 to 2002. The show was filmed in Lotusland and other communities throughout British Columbia.

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Alex Trebek Raps 'Fresh Prince' Theme Like William Shatner Would

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Alex Trebek didn't so much rap the theme to "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" on Monday night's "Jeopardy!" as recite it the way another famous Canadian might.

The longtime host read out a clue under the "TV" category which quoted the theme from the popular '90s sitcom. And he recited it with pauses and breaths in strange places, as though he were William Shatner.



The contestants didn't miss a beat, however, correctly answering that it was the theme to the show that made Will Smith a star.

We get it: hosting a game show for so long can be tedious. You need to jazz things up. But Alex, you know what we really want to see is you doling out the verses.

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Lionsgate Making Movie Based On Monopoly

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SANTA MONICA, Calif. - Uncle Pennybags is going to Hollywood.

Lionsgate said Wednesday it will turn Monopoly — the ubiquitous American board game — into a feature length film, in collaboration with toy maker Hasbro.

The announcement follows the blockbuster success of last year's "The Lego Movie," which grossed more than $468 million worldwide. Other films, including the "Transformer" series, have also demonstrated the financial potential of turning children's toys into Hollywood films.

The "Monopoly" script will be penned by Andrew Niccol, who was nominated for an Academy Award for writing 1998's "The Truman Show."

Monopoly, first licensed by Parker Brothers in the 1930s, pits players against each other in trying to acquire properties based on landmarks around Atlantic City, New Jersey. The game ends when one player achieves a monopoly by driving all his competitors into bankruptcy.

The game has been translated into 47 different languages and sold in 114 countries, according to a company release.

"Monopoly is one of the most popular games of all time, and it will translate into a film with tremendous global appeal," said Stephen Davis, executive vice-president of Hasbro Inc., in a printed statement.

The film's plot will centre on "a boy from Baltic Avenue who uses both Chance and Community in a quest to make his fortune," according to the press release.

Shares of Lions Gate Entertainment Corp. rose 23 cents to $37.28 in trading Wednesday. Hasbro Inc. shares rose 64 cents to $75.43 in trading.

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Naomie Harris' Adventurous Summer Style Deserves A Round Of Applause

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British actress Naomie Harris may best be known for being a Bond girl, but when her personal style is involved, she likes to both shake things up and cause a stir.

The "Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom" actress attended four major events in as many days this week, and hit a fashion home run at each appearance. Harris, who will next star in the boxing drama "Southpaw" with Rachel McAdams and Jake Gyllenhaal, rounded off her string of fantastic outfits with a cotton candy pink and black Christopher Kane dress from the 2015 Pre-Fall collection at the Serpentine Gallery Summer Party in London on Thursday. With the dress' ebony patent leather accent strips, the 38-year-old kept her colour palate simple with black matte nails, a geometric onyx Rauwolf clutch and raven-hued Giuseppe Zanotti sandals, resulting in a sublime and perfectly Kensington Gardens-chic look.








But the BAFTA Rising Star award nominee took an even bigger fashion risk at London's Opera Gallery 10th Anniversary Party on Wednesday night. This time around, she wore a multi-coloured, tropical and quilted Burberry Prorsum cocktail dress with silver metallic Sophia Webster loafers and a matching Jimmy Choo clutch.



Demure but always fun-loving, Harris also showed off her playful side with an Instagram snap from inside the soiree, where she shared a cheers with some pals in front of a raucous motel bash photograph.



#operaGallery #GQ fun times with @gregwilliamsphotography @octaviacoates @petrok @nolasinger

A photo posted by Naomie Harris (@naomieharris) on






Proving she can rock an outfit for any occasion, Harris also wore two very different show-stopping gowns earlier in the week. The "Spectre" star shut it down in a floor-length black Mugler gown with orange details at the NSPCC Neo-Romantic Art Gala in London on Tuesday, and her ensemble also earned her a spot on W Magazine's Best Dressed list. Just a day earlier, Harris kicked off her style streak at the inaugural Walkabout Foundation Gala with a bright and light strapless Tory Burch column gown in robin's egg blue, with a red, white and pink paintbrush strip at the knee.








Stunning and statuesque, Harris is not only a talented name to watch in the film world, but also an adventurous and sleek style star who always keeps us guessing.







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Brad Smith Blasts This Season's 'Bachelorette' As A Hot Mess

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It's not all that often that reality stars speak out against the franchises that made them — so when one does, it's not a bad idea to sit up and take notice.

Brad Smith, who starred in the first season of "Bachelor Canada" (and who has gone on to host several TV shows and is now the host of "Chopped Canada") hasn't been shy about his disdain for this season of "The Bachelorette," starring fellow Canadian, Vancouver native Kaitlyn Bristowe.

Though Smith has been known to live-tweet and even blog about the show in the past, this year, he's opting out, calling it "garbage" and a "hot mess."










Perhaps most endearingly, he also made fun of his own professional ranking on the show:




But now, he's got even more serious about the issues facing the reality show. Bristowe has come under fire over the past few weeks after an episode aired in which she had sex with one of the contestants, Nick Viall. She was honest about the situation, but the way in which she was portrayed by the series had a decidedly slut-shaming feel to it, wherein men are applauded for having sex, and women are put down.

As former contestant Ali Fedotowsky wrote on her blog, "It makes me SO angry that there is such a double standard in this world when it comes to men and women having sex. I can assure you that Kaitlyn is NOT the first person to have sex with someone on the show. In fact, I would argue that 95% of the Bachelors and Bachelorette DO have sex on the show .. [stop] judging Kaitlyn for following her heart annnnnnd her vagina ;)."

And Smith agrees, telling the Toronto Star, "My issue is not with how [Bristowe]'s conducted herself. I think she’s been very open and honest. My issue is with the producers and how they’ve let her down.

“They’ve vilified her and made her look promiscuous. She already says intimacy is important to her. But it’s one thing to talk about it, but to put the camera outside the door to show and hear it. That was disgusting and wrong to me.”

Let's have a big round of applause for Canada's original Bachelor, Mr. Brad Smith, for speaking up for the truth.


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Bill Cosby Obtained Drugs To Give To Women He Wanted To Have Sex With: Documents

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PHILADELPHIA - Bill Cosby admitted in a 2005 deposition that he obtained Quaaludes with the intent of giving them to young women he wanted to have sex with. He admitted giving the sedative to at least one woman.

The Associated Press went to court to compel the release of the documents, and they were made public Monday. Cosby's lawyers had objected on the grounds that it would embarrass their client.

The 77-year-old comedian was testifying under oath in a lawsuit filed by a former Temple University employee. He testified he gave her three half-pills of Benadryl.

bill cosby

Cosby settled that sexual-abuse lawsuit for undisclosed terms in 2006. More than a dozen women have since accused him of sexually assaulting them. Some believe they were also drugged. Cosby has never been criminally charged, and most of the accusations are barred by statutes of limitations.

Cosby's lawyers in the Philadelphia case did not immediately return phone calls.

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Viral Lemony Snickets Trailer Turns Out To Be Fake

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On July 5, a 35-second trailer (which can be seen above) was posted on YouTube, and has been viewed over 1.9 million times. Posted to an account named 'Eleanora Poe,' it is the only video the user has posted since creating the account on June 2 — and thanks to plenty of hints contained therein, immediately set rumours afire about when Lemony Snicket might be debuting on Netflix.

But much to the disappointment (and also, awe) of fans, a spokes person for Netflix revealed on Monday that the footage was not official and did not come from Netflix, Variety reports.




In 2014, the TV streaming service announced plans to adapt the Lemony Snicket's: A Series of Unfortunate Events children's books into a live action original series.

The series, which does not have a release date at this time, is expected to launch in 2016. We'll just be hoping for more of these kinds of sneak peeks — real or not — to whet our appetites until then.

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'Goosebumps' Movie Trailer Is Here. Be Careful What You Wish For.

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The horror book series that captivated kids throughout the '90s is coming to the big screen.

Jack Black provided an exclusive look at the upcoming "Goosebumps" movie in an interview with George Stephanopoulos on Wednesday, the same day the trailer was released on YouTube.



Black stars as R.L. Stine, the author of the popular series that included stories such as "The Scarecrow Walks at Midnight" and "Say Cheese and Die."

In the film, the creatures that Stine created in his books suddenly come to life and start running amok in the town of Greendale, Maryland. It's up to the author and a young kid to stop them from terrorizing the real world.

The film is set to be released on Oct. 16, according to IMDb.

The original "Goosebumps" book series ran from 1992 to 1997, and was followed by a number of spinoffs. It was later adapted into a Canadian TV series that aired on YTV from 1995 to 1998.

It only seems logical to make a movie out of the franchise, as many contemporary films are tapping nostalgia for profit. This year alone will see the release of "Jem and the Holograms," a film based on a cartoon from the 1980s; "Pixels," an Adam Sandler comedy about classic video game characters coming to life; and "The Peanuts Movie," an adaptation of Charles M. Schulz's comic strip.

It can be nice to see popular tropes from your childhood re-emerge on the screen once more. But it can also feel like overkill sometimes.

So as one "Goosebumps" title says, be careful what you wish for.

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Lea Michele's Cory Monteith Tribute Is Heartwrenching, Even 2 Years Later

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It's been two years since Cory Monteith was found dead in a Vancouver hotel.

The actor's former girlfriend and "Glee" co-star Lea Michele posted a heartwarming tribute to the actor on Monday morning.




Monteith died of a mixed drug toxicity of alcohol and heroin before he was found in Vancouver's Fairmont Pacific Rim hotel.

He had previously spoken of his past struggles with drug addiction.

Monteith touched millions of fans on "Glee" as high school quarterback Finn Hudson, who is blackmailed into joining the glee club after teacher Will Schuester (Matthew Morrison) hears him singing.

He soon develops a close relationship with Rachel Berry (Michele), a talented and ambitious glee club member who dreams of starring on Broadway.

The pair were dating in real life for over a year before Monteith died.

Michele also posted a tribute to Monteith on what would have been his 33rd birthday, in May.




R.I.P., Cory.

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J.P. Manoux Starrer 'Spun Out' Returning To CTV Despite Actor's Voyeurism Charges

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TORONTO - "Spun Out" is set to return to CTV this week despite the scandal involving actor J.P. Manoux.

In January, the network said it was "shocked" to learn that Toronto police had charged Manoux with voyeurism, after two women alleged they discovered hidden cameras in a condo they were renting from the 46-year-old actor.

Manoux's lawyer, Adam Weisberg, said the actor plans to plead not guilty.

CTV had suspended all future broadcast plans for the comedy, which is about a public-relations office.

But the network announced Monday that the show will return with its second-season premiere on Tuesday night.

The episode will feature comedian Russell Peters guest-starring as a DJ, along with a subplot featuring Manoux's character taking part in a group poker night.

Produced by Project 10 Productions in association with CTV, the show had reportedly wrapped most shooting for season 2 by the time allegations surfaced.

Manoux, who has recently returned to Twitter, is a California native with acting credits on "Community," "Modern Family" and "Hot in Cleveland."

"Several months ago, CTV put the broadcast of 'Spun Out' season 2 on hold to provide time to assess the ongoing legal proceeding with actor J.P. Manoux," said Scott Henderson, vice-president of communications with Bell Media, in a statement provided to The Canadian Press.

"Since that time, while we continue to respect the process, no further information has come to our attention. As a result and with careful consideration, we have decided to move forward with the broadcast of season 2 this summer in support of the entire cast and crew, and fans of the show.

"Mr. Manoux is part of a large ensemble cast, is not the focus of the series, and has not been proven guilty of any crime at this time. The cast and crew worked tirelessly on 'Spun Out,' and it deserves to be seen as the judicial process makes its way through the courts."

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CraveTV To Be Available To All Canadians Without Cable Starting Jan. 1

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TORONTO — Bell Media's streaming service CraveTV will be available to all Canadians beginning Jan. 1.


The service is currently available only to subscribers of certain television providers, including Bell, Eastlink and Telus.


A spokesman for Bell Media would not confirm pricing details yet.


The service currently costs $4 per month and features the entire off-air library of HBO programming, plus series including "Seinfeld," "South Park," "Orphan Black" and many Showtime properties.


CraveTV competitor Shomi announced in May that it would soon be available to all Canadians as well.


Once exclusive to Rogers and Shaw customers, Shomi will open up to the rest of the country in late September.


That service costs $8.99 per month, while Netflix starts at $7.99 monthly.




The Canadian Press


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What Your Favourite Muppet Character Says About You

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You can tell a lot about a person by their favourite childhood characters. You can figure out which bands they like, what they wanted to be when they grew up, their hopes and their dreams.

Fortunately, there's one franchise that covers off every personality we could hope to convey, which is why we've taken a look at 21 popular Muppet characters to determine exactly what each says about the people who call them their favourites. These Muppets run the gamut from the frightening to the frazzled, from the diva to the dumb. And there's something to love about every single one of them.

Here are 21 Muppet characters and what your favourite says about you:

Janice



You're a great guitar player (or at least would like to be) with a deep knowledge of music, and you always keep up on the hottest new bands. People love to discuss music and pop culture with you. You are one chill Muppet.


Sweetums



You're tall and intimidating. You don't make the best first impression, but as people come to know you, they realize you're just a big, soft teddy bear. Or whatever you are.


Statler and Waldorf



You're everyone's worst critic, except your own. You know the best way to cope with life's difficulties is by laughing at someone else's expense. You keep a partner around, if only to mask a gaping absence in your love life.

You'd deliver a great Friars Club roast, but we're not sure how well you'd take one about yourself.


Clifford



No one really remembers Clifford (he was the host of "Muppets Tonight"). If he's your favourite, then you're the kind of person who makes obscure cultural references that no one else understands.


Sam the Eagle



The world is going to Hell in a handbasket, and only you can stop the downward spiral. You respect the Supreme Court of the United States, until it makes a decision you disagree with. Then they're just a bunch of judicial activists. Your favourite character in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" is Mr. Hand, the teacher convinced that everyone is on dope. Which they are.

You're not one for laughs, but when you do want a chuckle, you prefer Garrison Keillor.


Scooter



You were hired for your job because of family connections, but you're determined to prove otherwise. You're a hard-working, devoted employee who excels in a supporting role. You know precisely when cues are coming up and when the stars have to hit the stage. You're also whip-smart: you know how to cover up your mistakes and stay out of trouble.

Over time, your co-workers warm to you, and fail to see the missteps you made on your way here.


The Swedish Chef



No one understands a thing you say... and that's okay with you.

You make dishes the way you want to, with utensils such as guns, tennis rackets and hockey sticks. You speak the recipe as you prepare a meal, but no one picks it up... all the better to keep it a secret.


Dr. Bunsen Honeydew



You're the smartest one in the room — and that's key to covering up your ineptitude. You only want to see knowledge progress, but you do it through crazy inventions like exploding clothes or a gorilla detector. And they don't always work the way they're supposed to.

And although you're very nice, you're not very self-aware. You fail to see your experiments have turned your assistant into a jittery, paranoid mess.


Beaker



You think that taking a job as an assistant with a renowned scientist is going to help you in life. You may be right, but you also know his reputation is just a smokescreen for incompetence. His experiments have harmed you on many occasions.

But you're also very loyal. No matter how often your boss fouls up, you know he has the best intentions and you always go back to him.


Rowlf the Dog



You're an entertainer with an encyclopedic knowledge of music. You can play a song the way it's meant to be played, or you can alter the tempo on a whim, and not miss a beat.


Rizzo the Rat



You walk with a hunch, and every word coming out of your mouth is sarcastic. That's how you survived growing up in the mean sewers of New York. But all that belies a gentle soul who is a loyal friend to those closest to him.


Camilla the Chicken



You may look like many of your kind, but you know how to stand out. Others can't tell you apart until you start performing in front of a live audience.

You have a, shall we say, INTERESTING choice of romantic partner.


Bean Bunny



You're cute. Like, insanely cute.

You don't like being yelled at because you're scared of loud noises. And as adorable as you are, bad things seem to happen to you all the time. You need to learn a little self defense because your cuteness can't protect you forever.


Crazy Harry



You're the id to everyone's ego, the Hyde to everybody's Jekyll. People pretend you're crazy, but deep down they all know they're capable of the crazy antics that only you have the nerve to carry out. Like shooting Animal through a roof. Or interrupting a love song with a series of explosions.


Bobo the Bear



You're really nice, but you have a habit of associating with the wrong people. You become a sidekick to evil, doing their bidding as they demand, albeit ineptly. And it tears you up inside. Every once in a while, you work up the nerve to do the right thing. But it takes a while.


Animal



You're not much for talking, but you express yourself perfectly through loud noises. Your musical aptitude on the drums show you for the maniacal, loopy, destructive, yet endlessly entertaining force that you really are.

You're likely a huge fan of The Who ... Keith Moon, specifically.


Gonzo



You're the weirdo. The wild card. People just don't GET you.

You'll go to great lengths just to entertain you friends, like eating a rubber tire or being shot with a cannon. And nothing would ever be the same without you.


Fozzie Bear



Sing like no one's listening. Love like you've never been hurt. Joke like no one's laughing!

That's you, a comedian who won't let an unimpressed audience bring you down. You know you're talented, you know you were born for this. And you know that somewhere, someone is laughing at your lame jokes.


Miss Piggy



You're the star of the show; it lives and dies with you. You're in your place on the stage, entertaining thousands of fans. And you'll lose your mind if one of them is checking his cell phone.

Millions of fans are in love with you. So why is that frog so darned aloof?


Kermit the Frog



You're the straight man in a Monty Python sketch; everyone around you is crazy. You have a set way of doing things and you become nervous when events deviate from it. You know how to put on a great show, but sometimes your coworkers' loopy ideas make it better. Sometimes. You'll take them when nothing else will suffice.

You love them all to bits, despite how much they complicate your life. And they love you right back.

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Let's Talk About Kanye And Kim

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The internet, or rather the older, whiter portion of the internet, erupted in anger this week when it was revealed that the world's biggest music star, Kanye West, would be performing at the Pan Am Games closing ceremonies in Toronto.

This outsize fury was perhaps best encapsulated in a since-edited post by well-known music journalist and radio personality Alan Cross, who wrote "I don't want my tax dollars going to this asshole who's married to as Kardashian--especially THAT one. The thought of one cent of my tax dollars going to his skank support."




Cross was resoundingly called out on Twitter by many, including his fellow music journalists, over the course of a few angry hours. This morning he apologized: "*Sigh* Written in haste and angry. Sober second thoughts prevailed. It was unnecessarily mean. It was wrong." Then, alas, blamed the people who pointed it out, tweeting "But you got your 'gotcha.' Consider me chastened."

But this isn't about Cross, who despite his hate-on for the pair, ultimately said Kanye is "a very, very good" booking given the need to sell tickets and get ratings. It's not about tax dollars, either, since sponsor Live Nation is covering most of the cost.

It's about the over-the-top hate that plenty of people have toward Kanye and Kim, and what it says about them and their conscious or otherwise views on race, gender and class.

Now I will admit that I have never actually watched "Keeping Up With Kardashians" -- though like other alive humans, I am aware that it exists -- but I have found myself defending its biggest star, Kim Kardashian, on social media this week because this successful businesswoman (self-made net worth: $85 million) and loving mother was called a "cunt" by Sinead O'Connor, a woman I long ago respected, for the crime of appearing on the cover of Rolling Stone.

On my Facebook, I was even forced to argue with someone complaining about the size of her pregnancy-enhanced boobs on said cover, and had to address the oh-so-lovely chap at Kanye's Glastonbury headlining show who waved a misogynistic flag with a screengrab of Kim's sex tape -- filmed in 2003, stolen and released a few years later and, sorry slut-shamers, no longer having ANYTHING to do with her popularity in 2015.

Speaking of that show, 135,000 people signed a petition demanding Kanye be kicked off Glastonbury and replaced with (an implied white) rock band. There was a similar (if much smaller) uproar and petition when "that jackass" Kanye was booked for Ottawa Bluesfest earlier this month.

And now there's another petition demanding Kanye be kicked off the Pan Am Games gig, which over 14,000 people have signed.

There is a totally justified argument that a Canadian should have headlined --and no, Mayor Tory, Kanye is not a product of Toronto's music industry.

The elephant in the SkyDome, of course, is Drake.

The Toronto rapper is clearly the obvious choice. We don't know why he's not doing it. We don't know if he was asked and was busy, or if they never even dialed. Same goes for his compatriot The Weeknd, who has been dominating the pop charts lately. Or Arcade Fire. Or Bryan Adams and Shania Twain (both already had gigs, actually). Serena Ryder did get booked, though she's a domestic success story who happened to record the Pan Am theme song.

And, by the way, Mexico booked Puerto Rican singer Ricky Martin to headline their Pan Am Games in 2011. Guess who else performed? Drake and Nickelback, neither of whom, last I checked, are Mexican.

But many arguments are instead boiling down to Kanye being an asshole and/or untalented. The former is subjective -- certainly 'Ye is very good at pissing people off. He has no filter or self-control mechanism, and so he says things like "George Bush doesn't care about black people" or interrupts then-newcomer Taylor Swift's moment of glory by declaring Beyonce "made one of the best videos of all time. OF ALL TIME." In both cases, he was arguably right. (Seriously, we all love Taylor but what video did she even beat "Single Ladies" with?)

Then there's the more recent Beck incident, for which Kanye totally apologized, saying he didn't "respect artistry."

But Kanye's biggest issue is, believe it or not, fairness. He gets absurdly upset when he thinks someone undeserving wins something, and has been known to actually give his own awards away to those he thinks earned it more than he did.

But that is neither here nor there. The issue is whether or not he's an asshole. Maybe, but not as much as, say, John Lennon, who beat his first wife. Or Liam and Noel Gallagher of Oasis, who Alan Cross wrote an ebook about.

Yes, Kanye is arrogant. But boasting is an intrinsic part of hip-hop, a competitive art form, and a means of self-empowerment for a disenfranchised community. Ever notice how it's mostly white bands who espouse modesty?

There is something that seems racially charged with the intense animosity inspired by Kanye, a workaholic and proud papa who has never been arrested, gone to rehab or cheated on his wife, unlike plenty of other musicians. The Guardian examined this earlier this week with a feature asking "why can't rock'n'roll's old guard handle him?"

Just look at the criticisms, which seem to attack Kanye West for the very things rock'n'roll supposedly celebrates: bad behaviour and egocentricity. Liam Gallagher can walk out of US tours, Slipknot can declare "people = shit", and countless metallers can spend a lifetime consuming drugs and groupies on the Sunset Strip. But when it comes to Kanye, suddenly everyone's talking about "manners" and "showing respect" - classic tropes displayed by white people when faced with the "uppity" black person.


But back to the talent bit. Both Kim and Kanye are accused of having none of it. Part of this is class-based, in that people think they are better than reality stars and rappers, have no respect for what they do and resent their success at doing it. (See also the people threatening to cancel their Vogue subscriptions when they appeared as the mag's first interracial cover couple.)

Kim, obviously, has a talent for parlaying her role in the public eye, maintaining her celebrity and parlaying that into a big business. If you think that takes no skill, then explain why no other reality stars are similarly successful?

Kanye, meanwhile, has more traditional assets. He makes music. And it's good. He's the most critically acclaimed and Grammy-winning artist of his generation, as well as someone who has sold millions of albums. He's dropped about 25 classic tracks over the past decade, putting him up there with, yes, the Beatles and Stones.

I've also seen him perform live a half-dozen times over the years and every single show was mind-blowing, from his 2004 Toronto show as an unknown (who still brought out a full band, including an also unknown John Legend) to his arena art spectacle for "Yeezus," which had a mountain and a monster and Jesus and it actually snowed on Kanye when he sang about his mom dying.

Saying he has no talent is categorically incorrect. Even if you don't like the music he makes, he is still incredibly talented at making it and just as good at performing it.

Unlike, say, Pitbull. So think about what your Kanye hate tells other people about you, and consider Toronto City Councillor and Twitter hero Norm Kelly's wise words.




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